It is a sad day for me, for us, my family. Two years ago today we lost out much wanted and much loved baby boy.
~~~ please don’t read if you are sensitive to baby loss, this post is raw ~~~
Taking a look back to previous events in 2013, I found myself pregnant with twins. It was funny because from the minute I did a positive pregnancy test I just knew there was twins, I just felt it. Instantly I was drawn to twin stuff, every day I thought about nothing else but twins. And when I told my friend I was pregnant the only word that fell out of her mouth was ‘twins’! Anyway as the weeks wore on I had a few scans and they definitely showed two babies. Sadly, long story short we lost the babies, a boy and a girl. I ended up with a life threatening haemorrhage and had 11 pints of blood replaced. Also I got damaged internally when they used the forceps to pull out the second baby and placenta which was stuck.
After that internal injury I was never right. First of all the emotional trauma almost killed me. I just wanted to be with my babies, just cried and broke my heart for days, weeks, months and years. I still have days when I struggle.
As time wore on after my twins I realised things weren’t right inside of me. I kept falling pregnant and miscarrying at five weeks, my cycles were scant and I suspected I had Ashermans. Each time I would test positive and a week later the tests would fade away and the baby would be lost. I had to fight to be listened to over that, everyone told me I was just too old. No one believed me that something was wrong. They all thought I had gone crazy in my grief. I could not convince anyone that my body wasn’t right, they all just told me I was too old to stay pregnant and I was menopausal.
Eventually I got someone to listen to me, I had some exploration surgery and they discovered scar tissue inside me. I got a new doctor and he took me by the hand and promised he would fix me. He did, I ended up with two surgeries to put right the scarring from the forceps. The doctor gave me fertility treatment to speed things up for me and three months after my second surgery I finally found myself pregnant again. It was miraculous, I was 44 and pregnant, suddenly the pain of losing my twins was diminished. I still love my twins and cried for them daily, but I had a new baby to love and heal my heart. Oh how I loved my baby, it growing inside of me, week after week, scan after scan it grew and I even got a tiny baby bump belly. I even once heard the baby’s little heart beating on a Doppler, I still have the scan photos and a photograph of the Doppler picking up his heart rate.
Sadly things went wrong. I had been at the dentist at the start of my third month of pregnancy, and they let a student loose on me. I told her I was pregnant and she reassured me the treatment was safe. She gave me a numbing injection and it didn’t work. Eventually she gave me five numbing injections. My body was shaking with all the Adrenalin and I was crying in the chair with fear. I was scared for my baby, I was terrified as she drilled down my tooth and fitted a crown. She swore that my baby would be okay. The next day I discovered that my baby had passed away. I went back to the main dentist and told him I suspected the injections killed my baby and he laughed at me. I sat crying in the dentist chair and he laughed more, mocked me, told me I was being stupid and anything could have killed my baby. I ran out of his surgery, devastated that someone could be so cruel.
When I went for my procedure to have my baby taken away and tested they could not confirm or deny that the dental treatment had killed my baby. My baby boy was tested as perfect, no chromosomal issues or anything and it was recorded as a miscarriage. I have carried this burden with me, my heart got broken again and I could scarcely believe that I would be so unlucky especially after the surgeries and fertility treatment.
We have had numerous rounds of fertility treatments since that baby was lost and no joy. The months have marched by and I am 46 now. I believe I am now too old to have a baby despite not having hit menopause, it makes me sad.
I have been told that I should be grateful for what I have. Let me clear this up for anyone who doesn’t understand baby loss, being ungrateful has nothing to do with it. I am eternally grateful for my children, I love every bone in their bodies, I love them so much it hurts. We love our children so much that we just wanted one more baby, I’m pretty sure that no one could blame us for that.
So today has been some amount of reflection for us. I ended up being super busy which helped keep my emotions at bay. I had to go see someone about a fund raiser event, we are organising advertising and sales. I went shopping for food, we got to eat – grief or no grief. And the children had school work to do. That said, it was there in my mind, I just felt a little low.
I just wanted to acknowledge my baby and give him his day. He will never be forgotten.
Thank you for reading this far. I hope I didn’t upset you with this raw, uncensored post. I’ll be back tomorrow, as usual and life will go on.